


Lord of the Raptors

by PinkCoffeeMosquitoJelly



Category: Fail_Fandomanon RPF, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Deliberate Badfic, Dinosaurs, Mind Control, Nonnies Made Me Do It, Onions, Orcs, Other, Roleplay, So Many Onions, Time Travel, deliberately bad art, i don't even know wtf was up with that, so sexy, something about a bar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-31
Updated: 2015-03-31
Packaged: 2018-03-20 09:54:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3645927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkCoffeeMosquitoJelly/pseuds/PinkCoffeeMosquitoJelly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One Does Not Simply Mustache Ride Into Mordor, Except When One Does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lord of the Raptors

**Author's Note:**

  * For [elephunk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elephunk/gifts).



> This was an RP my partner and I did. My partner played the Velociraptor and I played the same original orc character you've seen in all my other RP logs. Even though some random asshole butted in, the whole thing turned out really well overall, so I decided to share it with everyone. And before anyone accuses me of not RPing right, we're in a 24/7 D/s relationship and we both kink on mind control scenarios and if you have a problem with that then you're a repressed, slut-shaming prude and you should either stop being such a hater or go kill yourself to make more room on this planet for healthy people!

One Does Not Simply Moustache Ride Into Mordor, Except When One Does

 

** Velociraptor's Point Of View: **

Exactly sixty three million years ago and not one second different, Velociraptor was happily typing away at zir computer, reminding all the puny mammals on meme how edible they were. Suddenly, ze was suddenly struck by the sudden and inexplicable urge to chop onions.

 

** Garglefang the Orc Maiden's POV: **

The urge to chop onions was very sudden. The urge to chop onions was very inexplicable. Little did Velociraptor know. Just in general, little did Velociraptor know, because velociraptors are nothing more than jumped up little turkeys who might be smart by bird or reptile standards but are still dumb as a bag of dead fish compared to anything with half a mammal brain. More specifically, little did Velociraptor know that she/he/it/whatever wanted to chop onions because she/he/it/whatever had been hypnotized by Garglefang the orc maiden's dark lord, Sauron! Garglefang bows down before the flaming eye as he works his inscruitable will upon the prideful bitey turkey thing.

 

** Velociraptor's Point Of View: **

Velociraptor chops onions because ze wants to chop onions and thereby destroy the puny mammals' beloved onion food without any intention of eating it! Of course Velociraptor would not eat any of the onions that ze chopped, because eating plants was something only prey species did. Stupid prey species, didn't they know that if they just stopped eating plants then they might someday become as hip and trendy as Velociraptor? No, of course they did not know, because they were stupid. Even if prey species somehow stopped being stupid, they would forever remain inferior anyway, because they would never have such beautifully long stiff tails to help with cornering at hich speeds, or such georgously glossy feathers to sparkle with harsh beauty while persuing prey, or such sexy sharp sickle claws which were way better than mere stupid thumbs could ever hope to be. Rightfully secure in zir superiority, ze chops all the onions ever. Also, stupid orc knows Velociraptor's prefered pronouns and should respect them.

 

** Garglefang the Orc Maiden's POV: **

Garglefang promises to submit to using the turkeylizard's pronouns of choice.

 

** Velociraptor's Point Of View: **

Velociraptor accepts the poor excuse for a mammalian apology and returns to chopping onions, secure in the knowledge that Garglefang is merely jealous that velociraptors are majestic creatures of historical and geological record while Garglefang herself is merely the product of some racist old white guy's imagination. Velociraptor will magnamonously pretend that Garglefang's tears are from all the chopped onions and not tears of shame at being undeniably schooled. Velociraptor chops more onions only because ze wants to and for no other reason.

 

** John Taffer RP's POV: **

What's with all these chopped onions all over the place? Who told you that's an acceptable replacement for a cocktail onion in a Gibson? This bar is never going to make it if you settle for a bartender who doesn't take any pride in their work! Amateurs!

 

** Garglefang the Orc Maiden's POV: **

Garglefang the orc maiden watches as her dark lord Sauron opens a time portal between Velociraptor squalid turkeylizard cave and the glorious desolation of deepest Mordor. Garglefang's master sommonses all the dinosaurs to do his evil bidding, even the genderneutral onion chopping turkeylizards.

 

** Velociraptor's Point Of View: **

Velociraptor notices a strange glowy hole appear in zir modern and well equipped kitchen. Ze goes to investigate, but the strange glowy hole is not very interesting, so ze goes back to zir onions.

 

** John Taffer RP's POV: **

This is actually a very nice kitchen. Too bad you decided to sink all your money into the one part of the bar your customers are never going to see and then you limit your menu to limp cheesey fries and rubbery wings! Any idiot knows that's no way to run a business. I see over a hundred dollars worth of onions lying around here and you don't offer any food with onion in it, not even onion rings. This is either a complete lack of business acumen or deliberate self sabotage.

 

** Velociraptor's Point Of View: **

Velociraptor already said ze was derstoying puny mammals' onion foods, not cooking them into food treats for mammals. I disembowl you, you obnoxious Taffer mammal!

 

** Garglefang the Orc Maiden's POV: **

Just ignore him, baby. Garglefang's dark lord Sauron reaches out his powerful influence and drags Velociraptor through the portal and into Middle Earth before the cranky turkeylizard can lift a claw to anyone. Garglefang leans through the portal and advises John Taffer to either learn how to properly play along or go find someone else's RP to fuck up. Then she returns to Middle Earth to watch the dinosaur carnage.

 

** Velociraptor's Point Of View: **

Velociraptor falls through the strange glowy hole and lands somewhere new. There are some other dinosaurs around, but Velociraptor is the best dinosaur so ze reminds the others of this primal fact by easily slaughtering them all. Blood and gore drips from zir mouth and claws bloodily. There are tiny little mammal things scuttling around zir feet like ants. Everything but Velociraptor and the now dead dinosaurs is so tiny. Tiny tiny tiny! Being an apex predator takes on new meaning because Velociraptor is bigger than everything, even that stupid stone tower with fire on top!

 

** Garglefang the Orc Maiden's POV: **

That's not how this is supposed to go, and you know it!

 

** Velociraptor's Point Of View: **

Did someone say something? Speak up! You're so tiny that Velociraptor can't hear you over the noise of how tiny you are! Stupid Sore-on thing did not realize his imaginary world was so much punier than the real world, so dinosaurs from real earth like Velociraptor are big huge like kaiju in middle earth! Velociraptor stomps around and kills everything and doesn't bother to eat any of them because ze is already full from eating meat from dinosaur not-friends!

 

** Garglefang the Orc Maiden's POV: **

Garglefang's dark lord Sauron knew exactly what he was doing! His gread unblinking firey eye watches lustfully as his dark tower opens to reveal a huge gaping maw and a lashing slippery tongue! The giant tongue effortlessly ensnares the foolish prideful turkeylizard. Ze is trapped and cannot escape.

 

** Velociraptor's Point Of View: **

Velociraptor escapes just fine, thank you very much.

 

** Garglefang the Orc Maiden's POV: **

Velociraptor only thought ze was escaping. Dark lord Sauron was mere readjusting the grip of his tongue.

 

** Velociraptor's Point Of View: **

Nope, still escaped. Nyah nyah!

 

** John Taffer RP's POV: **

You left the door open, so I just walked in. Mordor, huh? [looks around] Is this club space supposed to be affiliated with the bar or is it a separate business?

 

** Garglefang the Orc Maiden's POV: **

I run my tongue around the delicate, quivering rim of your cloaca before mercilessly plunging it into your innermost depths.

 

** Velociraptor's Point Of View: **

Ooooooh, maybe I'm not escaped afterall. I writhe as your wicked slippery tongue pulses, squirms, and fills me in ways I've never been filled before.

 

** Garglefang the Orc Maiden's POV: **

My tongue expands until it is locked in place inside you and still it continues to grow.

 

** John Taffer RP's POV: **

If it's the former, then you need to unify the design elements to make that more obvious. If it's the latter, then your floorplan is well and truly fucked and you're going to need structural renovations to fix it. You don't even know what a loadbearing wall is, do you?

 

** Velociraptor's Point Of View: **

You think you're hurting me, but I've never felt so good in my life. My most private hole has become public to you as I stretch to accomodate everything you thrust further and further inside me.

 

** Garglefang the Orc Maiden's POV: **

I fuck you harder until you begin to split and bleed. You taste like extinction and despair.

 

** John Taffer RP's POV: **

The volcanic theme is interesting, but when was the last time you cleaned in here? That spider is huge. Disgusting.

 

** Velociraptor's Point Of View: **

No, that's just the blood and gore still drigging from my mouth and claws. I have cloaca dentata and can cut you off whenever I want. I don't want to though, because I'm about to cum.

 

** Garglefang the Orc Maiden's POV: **

How strange the fictions a mortal's mind will conjure as they die. My tongue pierces all the way through your body and out your mouth.

 

** John Taffer RP's POV: **

This has got to be the absolute worst run business I've ever seen.I'm trying to help you out and you're too busy eating each other out! Un. Freaking. Believable.

 

** Velociraptor's Point Of View: **

I'm cuuuummmmmmmiiiiiiinnnnnnngggggg!!!!!!! HHHHNNNNUUUURRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!! I gush my saurian sex juices everywhere. This ground will reek of dinosaur sex pheremones for a thousand years!

 

** John Taffer RP's POV: **

I think one of your customers back in the other room just got salmonella from eating some of your undercooked hot wings. Too bad they couldn't have ordered onion rings instead.

 

** Garglefang the Orc Maiden's POV: **

Sauron watches as the broken remains of Velociraptor ley lifeless upin the ground.

 

** John Taffer RP's POV: **

Speaking of rings, I just found what looks like a guy's wedding ring some customer left behind. Have you even considered you might need a protocol for dealing with valuables like that? No of course you haven't. You don't have a regular lost and found box.

 

** Velociraptor's Point Of View: **

I only look fucked out. I'm good to go again whenever you want.

 

** Garglefang the Orc Maiden's POV: **

Thr dark lord accepts your challenge and will break you.

 

** John Taffer RP's POV: **

You know what? I give up. I'm going to go find someone who actually wants their business to succeed. Don't come whining to me when your assets are being auctioned off to pay for the lawsuits. I'm out of here. [tosses ring in volcano and leaves]

 

** Garglefang the Orc Maiden's POV: **

AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! [is dead]

 

** Velociraptor's Point Of View: **

[dry humps shattered pile of rubble that used to be tower with fire on top] I declare victory!

  


  



End file.
